I'm just making this post to set a reminder to myself to get things done!
I haven't been making posts about my life and whatnot at all. I have tons of topic I want to write as a memoir to my future self, and also possibly provide some advice to any readers out there (?), BUT I HAVE BEEN PROCRASTINATING!
I hope to get in a post or two before Fall Study Break.
I want to make each day count. I want to be productive, not just sit, mindlessly watching youtube videos and reading fanfiction. Life goes on, and so must I.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Anxiety
So, over the past few years, I have developed social anxiety. I'm not sure when it started exactly, but I just noticed I was getting really nervous just doing simple things, like talking to people.
Anytime I feel like there is a potential for me to be judged, or criticized, I freeze up. My heart pounds like crazy, and on the inside, I feel like my world is coming to an end. It's the most horrible feeling at the pit of my stomache. I suddenly blank out, and I end up saying the stupidest. impulsive things. I stutter, I can't pronounce words.
It basically happens when I'm with people I have just met, or people I don't feel safe around. It doesn't really go away with time. As in, if I feel unsafe with them, and continue to feel unsafe, I will consistently have anxiety around that particular person. There are certain people I open up to and let them see the weird, ridiculous side of me. These people can feel it though, because I'm an open book. I don't bother hiding myself because I CAN'T. I suck at it. So, if a certain person is close to me, they would know. I act completely at ease with them.
However, the minute I feel unsafe, or threatened, it's almost an innate reaction to just put up a wall and shut them out with distance. If I nice one moment and suddenly shutting you out the next, at least you'll know why. Simple translation: I can't trust you anymore
Anytime I feel like there is a potential for me to be judged, or criticized, I freeze up. My heart pounds like crazy, and on the inside, I feel like my world is coming to an end. It's the most horrible feeling at the pit of my stomache. I suddenly blank out, and I end up saying the stupidest. impulsive things. I stutter, I can't pronounce words.
It basically happens when I'm with people I have just met, or people I don't feel safe around. It doesn't really go away with time. As in, if I feel unsafe with them, and continue to feel unsafe, I will consistently have anxiety around that particular person. There are certain people I open up to and let them see the weird, ridiculous side of me. These people can feel it though, because I'm an open book. I don't bother hiding myself because I CAN'T. I suck at it. So, if a certain person is close to me, they would know. I act completely at ease with them.
However, the minute I feel unsafe, or threatened, it's almost an innate reaction to just put up a wall and shut them out with distance. If I nice one moment and suddenly shutting you out the next, at least you'll know why. Simple translation: I can't trust you anymore
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I am a child of divorce.
03.12.14
I want to start off by saying that in no way is this a pity story, or to excuse certain behaviours of mine. This is something that I was hoping I can look back on in a few years time, and reflect upon. I do not want to grow up forgetting I've ever been through this (if I ever grow up from this, that is).In my opinion, to be strong about this is to acknowledge the fact that I've been through it, to remember every detail of it, and to still become a better person despite of it. I share this in a public blog because I decided it was time to start opening myself up to my own past, to people, to new experiences.
My parents' divorce was made official 3 years ago (I am 19 right now), right before I turned 16. To me however, the marriage seemed to have ended a long time ago. Since divorce is becoming more and more common nowadays, I guess it shouldn't have really been a big deal. But I suppose it's all about the our own appraisals of the situation being presented. I am a sensitive person, I always have been, and even though I constantly try to change that, I know I always will be. This hurt me deeply, and left a scar that took a permanent place in my life.
I should clarify, it's not the actual divorce that led me to become this way, it's the fights, emotions, and history behind it. My parents have been in a loveless marriage for as long as I remember, staying together only for the sake for commitment and traditions. In a way, I would have preferred them to have divorced a lot sooner. I would've grown up without a father figure in my life, but they would have been happy. They wouldn't have had to suffer, and in turn, I would have been less of a fuck up.
When my parents fight, they fight nasty. They hurt each other emotionally on purpose, and they hate it when the other person is happy. It's like they live just to see each go through hell. Even in the worst of times, there was no support, no comfort, and only a smug satisfaction. My parents, actually hated each other. However, my parents were not bad people. They had good-natured morals that they passed onto me, and they taught me how to be a kind-hearted, honest person (whether I actually emulated that in life, I have no idea). They just grew up with their own emotional scars, and being unable to deal with it, they took it out on each other.
Now, it's almost become a habit of mine to hurt others emotionally during a fight. I'm not proud of that, but for the longest time I've always believed that it's merely self-defense, it's natural. It made pushing away everyone that was close to me to realize it. I was a monster.
Thus, I am truly, truly grateful for the people in my life who have stuck with me through it all. They know the person that I am, and they love me for it. These are the people that would be there for me in a heartbeat. And even when I lash out at them, they won't get defensive around me. They allow me to see their heart, their vulnerability, their true intentions. I honestly would've turned out to be someone awful if I hadn't had their solid wall of support while growing up. I have such a hard time with flaky friends; I want you either be a true friend (someone who will always be there) or no friend at all (fuck off).
For the people that never bothered to stick around entirely, I don't blame you. I don't think it would've worked out anyways, because it really does take someone who's emotionally strong to be in it. I just wish we wouldn't have ended off on a bad note, but my pride also won't let me be vulnerable with you enough to patch things up.
I want to bring it back to divorce and say that has also changed my life for the better. If my family hadn't fallen apart, then I wouldn't have been as driven as I am today. I have fought viciously to get the grades that I do, to be the person that I am; because in my mind, there is no option of failure. Even though I've also developed a lot of social anxiety, and I become really unstable at times, get depressed, or extremely angry, that just comes with part of my experience of being a child of divorce.
I want to start off by saying that in no way is this a pity story, or to excuse certain behaviours of mine. This is something that I was hoping I can look back on in a few years time, and reflect upon. I do not want to grow up forgetting I've ever been through this (if I ever grow up from this, that is).In my opinion, to be strong about this is to acknowledge the fact that I've been through it, to remember every detail of it, and to still become a better person despite of it. I share this in a public blog because I decided it was time to start opening myself up to my own past, to people, to new experiences.
My parents' divorce was made official 3 years ago (I am 19 right now), right before I turned 16. To me however, the marriage seemed to have ended a long time ago. Since divorce is becoming more and more common nowadays, I guess it shouldn't have really been a big deal. But I suppose it's all about the our own appraisals of the situation being presented. I am a sensitive person, I always have been, and even though I constantly try to change that, I know I always will be. This hurt me deeply, and left a scar that took a permanent place in my life.
I should clarify, it's not the actual divorce that led me to become this way, it's the fights, emotions, and history behind it. My parents have been in a loveless marriage for as long as I remember, staying together only for the sake for commitment and traditions. In a way, I would have preferred them to have divorced a lot sooner. I would've grown up without a father figure in my life, but they would have been happy. They wouldn't have had to suffer, and in turn, I would have been less of a fuck up.
When my parents fight, they fight nasty. They hurt each other emotionally on purpose, and they hate it when the other person is happy. It's like they live just to see each go through hell. Even in the worst of times, there was no support, no comfort, and only a smug satisfaction. My parents, actually hated each other. However, my parents were not bad people. They had good-natured morals that they passed onto me, and they taught me how to be a kind-hearted, honest person (whether I actually emulated that in life, I have no idea). They just grew up with their own emotional scars, and being unable to deal with it, they took it out on each other.
Now, it's almost become a habit of mine to hurt others emotionally during a fight. I'm not proud of that, but for the longest time I've always believed that it's merely self-defense, it's natural. It made pushing away everyone that was close to me to realize it. I was a monster.
Thus, I am truly, truly grateful for the people in my life who have stuck with me through it all. They know the person that I am, and they love me for it. These are the people that would be there for me in a heartbeat. And even when I lash out at them, they won't get defensive around me. They allow me to see their heart, their vulnerability, their true intentions. I honestly would've turned out to be someone awful if I hadn't had their solid wall of support while growing up. I have such a hard time with flaky friends; I want you either be a true friend (someone who will always be there) or no friend at all (fuck off).
For the people that never bothered to stick around entirely, I don't blame you. I don't think it would've worked out anyways, because it really does take someone who's emotionally strong to be in it. I just wish we wouldn't have ended off on a bad note, but my pride also won't let me be vulnerable with you enough to patch things up.
I want to bring it back to divorce and say that has also changed my life for the better. If my family hadn't fallen apart, then I wouldn't have been as driven as I am today. I have fought viciously to get the grades that I do, to be the person that I am; because in my mind, there is no option of failure. Even though I've also developed a lot of social anxiety, and I become really unstable at times, get depressed, or extremely angry, that just comes with part of my experience of being a child of divorce.
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