These are the things I discussed today with my counselor, and things I am trying to work on:
-Loving myself - focusing on good attributes
-Appreciating my flaws,and seeing them in a positive light
-Analyzing whether it is a flaw I need to accept, or an issue I need to address and subsequently resolve.
-Stop comparing myself to others so much
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
A Promise To Myself
I realized my posts are all sad and emotionally heavy, so I decided to make a positive one today. The boy from the previous post is gone and over with. I have to admit I still sometimes think about him but I think that's only because I can't just cut him off immediately. I'm not that type of a person and I don't think I ever will be. And that's okay.
Now, onto the positive message to myself. Today I have realized just how grateful I am for the people who have stuck by me. I haven't managed to keep many friends over the years, but I love the handful that have stuck around. They know me, they still love me, and I will murder anyone that tries to hurt them on purpose. :) I guess this is a promise that I will really try to show them my appreciation more. Even though I haven't really talked about the heart break that fugly reject caused to anyone, I didn't need to. My friends have made me laugh and realize I was completely fine without him!
Today is also the day where my mom unselfishly invested into my future. I know my mom was always extremely kind and generous towards me but today when I told her how I really needed prep courses for my PCAT as I learn alot better when someone teaches the material to me, she agreed to pay without hesitation. I am truly grateful for my mom.
Onto the second promise: This is a promise that I will give my all into this PCAT exam. At the beginning when I made the decision to go for Pharmacy school, I saw it as a backdoor option to medical school. I didn't have enough extracurriculars or research experience but I worked in a pharmacy for many years and so I thought that would be the obvious back up.
When I was working in my pharmacy this summer, I really learned to appreciate the beauty of the job (despite its constant rush and rude customers). I really do love servicing people and seeing the smiles on their face, knowing that I helped put it there.
I know that Waterloo Pharmacy school does not require the PCAT exam, but I want to get to my PharmD degree as fast as possible, and U of T is the way to do it. I just want to make sure I make it into both of them so I can make that decision of which school to choose!
"Fear of Mediocrity". That is the quote I put on my skype before I gave it an abeyance in my life. The people I love know how to reach me, thus there is no need for skype in my life at this moment. All I do when I log on is hope that somehow that boy has finally messaged me with an excuse for acting that way. You know what? His reason doesn't concern me anymore. What concerns me is my life: my future career and my amities. <3
Now, onto the positive message to myself. Today I have realized just how grateful I am for the people who have stuck by me. I haven't managed to keep many friends over the years, but I love the handful that have stuck around. They know me, they still love me, and I will murder anyone that tries to hurt them on purpose. :) I guess this is a promise that I will really try to show them my appreciation more. Even though I haven't really talked about the heart break that fugly reject caused to anyone, I didn't need to. My friends have made me laugh and realize I was completely fine without him!
Today is also the day where my mom unselfishly invested into my future. I know my mom was always extremely kind and generous towards me but today when I told her how I really needed prep courses for my PCAT as I learn alot better when someone teaches the material to me, she agreed to pay without hesitation. I am truly grateful for my mom.
Onto the second promise: This is a promise that I will give my all into this PCAT exam. At the beginning when I made the decision to go for Pharmacy school, I saw it as a backdoor option to medical school. I didn't have enough extracurriculars or research experience but I worked in a pharmacy for many years and so I thought that would be the obvious back up.
When I was working in my pharmacy this summer, I really learned to appreciate the beauty of the job (despite its constant rush and rude customers). I really do love servicing people and seeing the smiles on their face, knowing that I helped put it there.
I know that Waterloo Pharmacy school does not require the PCAT exam, but I want to get to my PharmD degree as fast as possible, and U of T is the way to do it. I just want to make sure I make it into both of them so I can make that decision of which school to choose!
"Fear of Mediocrity". That is the quote I put on my skype before I gave it an abeyance in my life. The people I love know how to reach me, thus there is no need for skype in my life at this moment. All I do when I log on is hope that somehow that boy has finally messaged me with an excuse for acting that way. You know what? His reason doesn't concern me anymore. What concerns me is my life: my future career and my amities. <3
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
A boy
It has been a long time, but I've just been inspired to write tonight. By "inspired", I mean "get all worked up out of anger".
I want to preface this by saying that for the people I get attached to and consider my close friend; I care a little too much about the friendship sometimes (regardless of whether they're rl friends or online friends), and I tend to get very emotional, and very sensitive.
I met this boy online, and he became a very close friend of mine. He worked his way to my heart, and proved to me he was in it for the long term.We talked everyday, and enjoyed each others' company. I opened up to him, and trusted him completely. I had started to develop feelings for him too.
Then one day, all of a sudden, he stopped talking to me; wouldn't respond to my messages. He ignored me. We were fine and friendly the night before. I didn't understand: was I being a bad friend? Did I do something wrong? I felt worthless. I was worthless in his eyes. My heart hurt. He had trampled all over it with no remorse. One night I broke down; I cried my eyes out.
The next morning, I felt better. I decided he was not worth my tears anymore and I decided to move on with life. I connected with my true friends, and they gave me the strength to continue on.
He eventually came back, and tried to make amends. His excuse was he got caught up with his hobby and forgot about the world. In my mind, it basically meant our friendship meant nothing.
Thanks to him, I've gotten stronger emotionally. He has not jaded me. I will never let him have the smug satisfaction of doing so. I will still love with all my heart the next time I become close friends with someone, but I will probably take more precautions.
I want to preface this by saying that for the people I get attached to and consider my close friend; I care a little too much about the friendship sometimes (regardless of whether they're rl friends or online friends), and I tend to get very emotional, and very sensitive.
I met this boy online, and he became a very close friend of mine. He worked his way to my heart, and proved to me he was in it for the long term.We talked everyday, and enjoyed each others' company. I opened up to him, and trusted him completely. I had started to develop feelings for him too.
Then one day, all of a sudden, he stopped talking to me; wouldn't respond to my messages. He ignored me. We were fine and friendly the night before. I didn't understand: was I being a bad friend? Did I do something wrong? I felt worthless. I was worthless in his eyes. My heart hurt. He had trampled all over it with no remorse. One night I broke down; I cried my eyes out.
The next morning, I felt better. I decided he was not worth my tears anymore and I decided to move on with life. I connected with my true friends, and they gave me the strength to continue on.
He eventually came back, and tried to make amends. His excuse was he got caught up with his hobby and forgot about the world. In my mind, it basically meant our friendship meant nothing.
Thanks to him, I've gotten stronger emotionally. He has not jaded me. I will never let him have the smug satisfaction of doing so. I will still love with all my heart the next time I become close friends with someone, but I will probably take more precautions.
Monday, September 1, 2014
It's been a while.
I'm just making this post to set a reminder to myself to get things done!
I haven't been making posts about my life and whatnot at all. I have tons of topic I want to write as a memoir to my future self, and also possibly provide some advice to any readers out there (?), BUT I HAVE BEEN PROCRASTINATING!
I hope to get in a post or two before Fall Study Break.
I want to make each day count. I want to be productive, not just sit, mindlessly watching youtube videos and reading fanfiction. Life goes on, and so must I.
I haven't been making posts about my life and whatnot at all. I have tons of topic I want to write as a memoir to my future self, and also possibly provide some advice to any readers out there (?), BUT I HAVE BEEN PROCRASTINATING!
I hope to get in a post or two before Fall Study Break.
I want to make each day count. I want to be productive, not just sit, mindlessly watching youtube videos and reading fanfiction. Life goes on, and so must I.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Anxiety
So, over the past few years, I have developed social anxiety. I'm not sure when it started exactly, but I just noticed I was getting really nervous just doing simple things, like talking to people.
Anytime I feel like there is a potential for me to be judged, or criticized, I freeze up. My heart pounds like crazy, and on the inside, I feel like my world is coming to an end. It's the most horrible feeling at the pit of my stomache. I suddenly blank out, and I end up saying the stupidest. impulsive things. I stutter, I can't pronounce words.
It basically happens when I'm with people I have just met, or people I don't feel safe around. It doesn't really go away with time. As in, if I feel unsafe with them, and continue to feel unsafe, I will consistently have anxiety around that particular person. There are certain people I open up to and let them see the weird, ridiculous side of me. These people can feel it though, because I'm an open book. I don't bother hiding myself because I CAN'T. I suck at it. So, if a certain person is close to me, they would know. I act completely at ease with them.
However, the minute I feel unsafe, or threatened, it's almost an innate reaction to just put up a wall and shut them out with distance. If I nice one moment and suddenly shutting you out the next, at least you'll know why. Simple translation: I can't trust you anymore
Anytime I feel like there is a potential for me to be judged, or criticized, I freeze up. My heart pounds like crazy, and on the inside, I feel like my world is coming to an end. It's the most horrible feeling at the pit of my stomache. I suddenly blank out, and I end up saying the stupidest. impulsive things. I stutter, I can't pronounce words.
It basically happens when I'm with people I have just met, or people I don't feel safe around. It doesn't really go away with time. As in, if I feel unsafe with them, and continue to feel unsafe, I will consistently have anxiety around that particular person. There are certain people I open up to and let them see the weird, ridiculous side of me. These people can feel it though, because I'm an open book. I don't bother hiding myself because I CAN'T. I suck at it. So, if a certain person is close to me, they would know. I act completely at ease with them.
However, the minute I feel unsafe, or threatened, it's almost an innate reaction to just put up a wall and shut them out with distance. If I nice one moment and suddenly shutting you out the next, at least you'll know why. Simple translation: I can't trust you anymore
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I am a child of divorce.
03.12.14
I want to start off by saying that in no way is this a pity story, or to excuse certain behaviours of mine. This is something that I was hoping I can look back on in a few years time, and reflect upon. I do not want to grow up forgetting I've ever been through this (if I ever grow up from this, that is).In my opinion, to be strong about this is to acknowledge the fact that I've been through it, to remember every detail of it, and to still become a better person despite of it. I share this in a public blog because I decided it was time to start opening myself up to my own past, to people, to new experiences.
My parents' divorce was made official 3 years ago (I am 19 right now), right before I turned 16. To me however, the marriage seemed to have ended a long time ago. Since divorce is becoming more and more common nowadays, I guess it shouldn't have really been a big deal. But I suppose it's all about the our own appraisals of the situation being presented. I am a sensitive person, I always have been, and even though I constantly try to change that, I know I always will be. This hurt me deeply, and left a scar that took a permanent place in my life.
I should clarify, it's not the actual divorce that led me to become this way, it's the fights, emotions, and history behind it. My parents have been in a loveless marriage for as long as I remember, staying together only for the sake for commitment and traditions. In a way, I would have preferred them to have divorced a lot sooner. I would've grown up without a father figure in my life, but they would have been happy. They wouldn't have had to suffer, and in turn, I would have been less of a fuck up.
When my parents fight, they fight nasty. They hurt each other emotionally on purpose, and they hate it when the other person is happy. It's like they live just to see each go through hell. Even in the worst of times, there was no support, no comfort, and only a smug satisfaction. My parents, actually hated each other. However, my parents were not bad people. They had good-natured morals that they passed onto me, and they taught me how to be a kind-hearted, honest person (whether I actually emulated that in life, I have no idea). They just grew up with their own emotional scars, and being unable to deal with it, they took it out on each other.
Now, it's almost become a habit of mine to hurt others emotionally during a fight. I'm not proud of that, but for the longest time I've always believed that it's merely self-defense, it's natural. It made pushing away everyone that was close to me to realize it. I was a monster.
Thus, I am truly, truly grateful for the people in my life who have stuck with me through it all. They know the person that I am, and they love me for it. These are the people that would be there for me in a heartbeat. And even when I lash out at them, they won't get defensive around me. They allow me to see their heart, their vulnerability, their true intentions. I honestly would've turned out to be someone awful if I hadn't had their solid wall of support while growing up. I have such a hard time with flaky friends; I want you either be a true friend (someone who will always be there) or no friend at all (fuck off).
For the people that never bothered to stick around entirely, I don't blame you. I don't think it would've worked out anyways, because it really does take someone who's emotionally strong to be in it. I just wish we wouldn't have ended off on a bad note, but my pride also won't let me be vulnerable with you enough to patch things up.
I want to bring it back to divorce and say that has also changed my life for the better. If my family hadn't fallen apart, then I wouldn't have been as driven as I am today. I have fought viciously to get the grades that I do, to be the person that I am; because in my mind, there is no option of failure. Even though I've also developed a lot of social anxiety, and I become really unstable at times, get depressed, or extremely angry, that just comes with part of my experience of being a child of divorce.
I want to start off by saying that in no way is this a pity story, or to excuse certain behaviours of mine. This is something that I was hoping I can look back on in a few years time, and reflect upon. I do not want to grow up forgetting I've ever been through this (if I ever grow up from this, that is).In my opinion, to be strong about this is to acknowledge the fact that I've been through it, to remember every detail of it, and to still become a better person despite of it. I share this in a public blog because I decided it was time to start opening myself up to my own past, to people, to new experiences.
My parents' divorce was made official 3 years ago (I am 19 right now), right before I turned 16. To me however, the marriage seemed to have ended a long time ago. Since divorce is becoming more and more common nowadays, I guess it shouldn't have really been a big deal. But I suppose it's all about the our own appraisals of the situation being presented. I am a sensitive person, I always have been, and even though I constantly try to change that, I know I always will be. This hurt me deeply, and left a scar that took a permanent place in my life.
I should clarify, it's not the actual divorce that led me to become this way, it's the fights, emotions, and history behind it. My parents have been in a loveless marriage for as long as I remember, staying together only for the sake for commitment and traditions. In a way, I would have preferred them to have divorced a lot sooner. I would've grown up without a father figure in my life, but they would have been happy. They wouldn't have had to suffer, and in turn, I would have been less of a fuck up.
When my parents fight, they fight nasty. They hurt each other emotionally on purpose, and they hate it when the other person is happy. It's like they live just to see each go through hell. Even in the worst of times, there was no support, no comfort, and only a smug satisfaction. My parents, actually hated each other. However, my parents were not bad people. They had good-natured morals that they passed onto me, and they taught me how to be a kind-hearted, honest person (whether I actually emulated that in life, I have no idea). They just grew up with their own emotional scars, and being unable to deal with it, they took it out on each other.
Now, it's almost become a habit of mine to hurt others emotionally during a fight. I'm not proud of that, but for the longest time I've always believed that it's merely self-defense, it's natural. It made pushing away everyone that was close to me to realize it. I was a monster.
Thus, I am truly, truly grateful for the people in my life who have stuck with me through it all. They know the person that I am, and they love me for it. These are the people that would be there for me in a heartbeat. And even when I lash out at them, they won't get defensive around me. They allow me to see their heart, their vulnerability, their true intentions. I honestly would've turned out to be someone awful if I hadn't had their solid wall of support while growing up. I have such a hard time with flaky friends; I want you either be a true friend (someone who will always be there) or no friend at all (fuck off).
For the people that never bothered to stick around entirely, I don't blame you. I don't think it would've worked out anyways, because it really does take someone who's emotionally strong to be in it. I just wish we wouldn't have ended off on a bad note, but my pride also won't let me be vulnerable with you enough to patch things up.
I want to bring it back to divorce and say that has also changed my life for the better. If my family hadn't fallen apart, then I wouldn't have been as driven as I am today. I have fought viciously to get the grades that I do, to be the person that I am; because in my mind, there is no option of failure. Even though I've also developed a lot of social anxiety, and I become really unstable at times, get depressed, or extremely angry, that just comes with part of my experience of being a child of divorce.
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